Beyond Safe Space II: The Work After The Work
A self-reflective tool for seekers in intimacy, embodiment, and transformation.
If you have been exploring intimacy, healing, or embodied work by attending events, joining workshops, or searching for the right facilitator* to hold your process, you may have noticed a pattern of moving from one space to the next, hoping to finally land in a container that answers a question that became alive in you but you haven’t quite been able to name.
Maybe you have already spent time, money, and emotional energy trying to move something. Maybe you have sat in circles, cried in therapy, dug up your pain, released your anger, and still found yourself circling the same loop again. Or maybe part of you also sensed that something in the space was off, even if you didn't have words for it at the time. This doesn't mean you are broken, but the container wasn't built for the kind of process you are going through.
Here's why: no one ever handed you a map to understand the field** you are stepping into. No one explained how to tell what kind of support a facilitator truly provides, or how to sense if a workshop, offering, or retreat is actually built to meet you where you are.
That is what I began to map in the first 'Beyond Safe Space': the different kinds of support facilitators tend to offer across the fields of intimacy, embodiment, and transformation. You can find the full model of facilitation fields here.
But before you head out to explore the map, I am offering a series of self-reflective questions as a self-reflective tool to help you figure out what's next when burning questions start bubbling to the surface. It is designed to help you understand where you are in your self development journey, and what might be the right kind of field that can actually meet what’s alive in you, so that the next step takes you where you actually want to go.
Use this set of questions when you are circling inquiries like:
You want to explore intimacy with your partner and you are wondering if a tantra workshop is the right kind of space for that
Your therapy sessions leave you with a subtle longing you can't name
You are curious about a facilitator's offering but feel slightly intimidated by their seemingly intense modality
You have been hopping from one intimacy workshop to the next for some time and you can't seem to find a true fit for you
You are stuck in an emotional loop that you still can't see a way out of
Use it when something inside you knows it’s time to choose a field that can truly hold what you're bringing and help you move beyond what keeps looping. When you know you need someone to point out clearly and directly where you are stuck, rather than just emotionally soothe you. Or when you just need to be held while you let it rage through and out.
Either way, this tool helps you orient beyond the modality a facilitator provides, towards what you actually need for exactly where you are right now.
*By “facilitator,” I mean anyone holding space for a personal process, whether in a workshop, a one-on-one session, or even online. This could be a therapist, coach, bodyworker, kink practitioner, or guide.
**“Field” refers to the atmosphere their presence creates, consciously or unconsciously, that shapes how your process unfolds.
REFLECTION 1: If I had no shame about what I need right now, what would I admit I’m seeking?
Track the kind of process you’re in and the questions and inquiries that come to the surface. Ask yourself:
Is this about the relationship to my body? Is there curiosity, shame, fear, avoidance, pain, a longing to (re-)connect with my body?
Is this about intimacy? Is there fear of interacting with another body, of being seen and touched? A longing for physical touch?
Is this about the way I relate to my partner(s)? Is it about how we meet, fight, play, disconnect? Is there a longing to connect with them more, or a desire to explore a sexual fantasy or to create more intimacy?
Is this about how I show up in the world - at work, in public, with family or friends?
Is this about identity? Who I’ve become vs who I’m no longer willing to be?
Is this a moment of breakdown, or a slow clarity that I can’t ignore anymore?
Why it matters: Getting clear on what is alive in you and where you feel stuck helps you avoid the trap of just trying more workshops or facilitators without knowing why. It’s the first step toward finding the kind of process that can actually help you move something.
REFLECTION 2: What patterns do I already know in myself, and how have I been in process before?
Before you enter another space, trace your own lineage of growth, to get an idea of your level of awareness about your behavioural and relational patterns. Ask yourself:
Do I already know how I tend to relate under pressure? (e.g. collapse, people-please, fight, withdraw)
Have I named this pattern out loud before, or just observed it?
Have I gone through a process that visibly improved how this pattern shows up in my life (for example in therapy)?
Why it matters: If you already know your default patterns and trace how you have been processing them, you will waste less time repeating loops. Knowing how you show up under pressure gives you leverage to choose a facilitator who won’t reinforce the loop, but can help you interrupt it.
REFLECTION 3: What have I learned, not just felt, in other facilitated spaces I participated in the past?
Trace what your system remembers about the spaces where true transformation has occurred in the past.
When did I leave a field feeling more like myself, not necessarily more regulated, but sharper, or more willing to face something about me I hadn't before?
Was there a facilitator whose presence lingered with me, like they knew something about myself I wasn’t ready to see yet?
When did I feel safe in a field before, and why? Was is because of the structure of the event? The clear conduct rules? The atmosphere? The feeling of being well received?
Was there a moment I felt insecure or shaky in the container, but trusted it anyway? What made the field feel safe enough despite the discomfort?
Why it matters: When you understand what has truly shifted something in you before, and how, it becomes easier to recognize the kind of structure with the potential to transform you again, in a way that you are now ready for and want to.
REFLECTION 4: How to read the facilitator before you step in
If you feel pulled towards a new facilitator's field, this is how you can read the architecture behind their online persona before you step in.
Can I trace how they respond to tension in their own content or community? Do they address tension? Is it with curiosity and calm, or with defensiveness?
Do they deliver the message with clarity and groundedness? Or do they rely on their charisma to invite you in?
Do their boundaries feel embodied and do they talk about boundaries in a way that feels real? Or do they talk about them like a script?
Do they enjoy being idealised, or do they encourage you to see when you're projecting something onto them?
When I scroll through their posts or videos, do I sense the shape of their field? Does it carry clarity and groundedness? Or is it just aesthetics and a polished persona?
Why it matters: Aesthetics and charisma matter for some, but they are not reflective of the transformative capacity of a facilitator's field. Even though their online presence is not an entirely accurate image of how they hold a workshop in person, there are clues about the quality of their message between the lines of what they make visible.
REFLECTION 5: What am I truly ready to ask for?
Before stepping into your next process, it helps to ask yourself whether your system is ready at the moment to hold the kind of growth you want.
Do I need someone to hold me gently, or someone to hold me to my word?
Am I ready to be lovingly called out, or do I need to be gently seen without being challenged?
Can I admit to myself and name what feels scary about this work?
Am I willing to step toward the kind of discomfort I've been avoiding?
There’s no right answer—just the one that’s true right now. That’s the one the right facilitator can work with.
Why it matters: A facilitator can only meet you where you're truly ready to go. When you get honest about the kind of support you need, and what kind of challenge you are truly ready for, it becomes easier to choose a field that can hold what is true for you right now.
Every facilitator creates a different kind of atmosphere – some feel soft and nurturing, some structured and steady, some intense and confronting. These are not only facilitation styles, they are different architectures of support. Once you understand what kind of support your process truly needs, the map of what kinds of fields are out there becomes clearer.
The four fields of facilitation - a quick glimpse
The model map helps you make an informed decision about where you want to step next. These four fields of facilitation aren’t rigid boxes, and a good facilitator will be able to skillfully move through all of them, but most facilitators lead from one dominant mode.
Here’s the map at a glance:
The Companion: Soft, present, and attuned; holds space gently and empathetically. Choose this field if you need emotional safety first and long to be gently witnessed and warmly held.
The Protector: Structured and firm; brings strong boundaries and a consistent container. Choose this field if you need a clear and unshakeable structure that can support your growth.
The Disruptor: Bold and provocative; brings challenge and provocation and lovingly interrupts your patterns. Choose this field if you are feeling stuck and ready to be awakened.
The Revealer: Clear and precise; reflects an uncomfortable truth you may need to see. Choose this field if you’re ready to see the truth behind your patterns, and be gently held in that clarity.
When you're done reflecting, take a moment to sit with what you have just discovered. You don’t need to rush to book the next workshop or find the “perfect” facilitator, but you do deserve to step into a space that meets the full truth of where you are.
If this self-reflective tool resonated, the deeper map awaits.
Beyond Safe Space I: Choosing a Facilitator Who Can Actually Hold You names what often goes unsaid about facilitation and the facilitator's presence. It breaks down the four fields—Companion, Protector, Disruptor, Revealer—as energetic architectures that shape how your process unfolds. You’ll find a more detailed explanation of each field, examples of how they show up in facilitation, and a deeper dive into how a facilitator’s presence (not just their modalities) determines the transformation that is possible in their space.
Read Beyond Safe Space I: Choosing a Facilitator Who Can Actually Hold You
With care and clarity,
Lavinia
If this landed, shifted something, or made you raise an eyebrow - I’d love to hear how it met you.
You can reach me at lavinia@scarsandroses.com or explore more at scarsandroses.com.